After a month of cancelled appointments I finally made it into the gym for my "fitness consultation" today.
Going to the gym for a "fitness consultation" is sort of like going to a used car lot for a "transportation consultation." No matter what your circumstances, you absolutely, positively should buy one of these lovely rustbuckets.
In this case, instead of slimy salesman trying to hawk me some piece of crap Buick, he was trying to sell me personal training.
I have no problem being asked if I'm interested. It's a service that every gym offers, and certainly a legitimate one. But my gym forces you to go in for this goodamn sales pitch just to get your membership card.
It started out well enough. He asked what I was doing, what my goals were, and so forth. Measured my body fat, took me upstairs and checked my form on a few exercises. Then we went back to the office and he drew up a suggested program.
The weird thing is, the program he drew up would've had me spending six weeks working on my "core strength" before I moved up to a more advanced program. By more advanced, I mean the program I'm doing right now.
Quite frankly, it's a gay gym, and this represents a fundamental misunderstanding of why gay men go to the gym. Does a guy ever say "Wow, check out the core on that guy!" No. So we don't care. We're a very superficial people. Actual strength gain is secondary to improved appearance. Know your audience.
If you really want to sell the program, tell me I'll have a six pack, and rock hard chest and ass in six weeks. Make me feel like I'm going to get laid more thanks to you. Not that I'll be better able to balance on a fucking rubber ball.
Of course after he was done designing the program, just as fellow gym members had warned me, the axe fell. "Now if you really want to get the best results, it's important that you have a trainer with you."
I feigned poverty to no avail. Just $75 a month! You'll make so much progress! I told him I like working out alone, which is true. And frankly personal trainers annoy me. They're so artificially upbeat and they're always making this forced go-nowhere small talk to appear personable.
Anyways, it took me a good five minutes to convince him he wasn't going to sell me anything. I should've just told him the money would cut into my ecstasy budget. That would've shut the bastard up.
Once he'd finally got the message his friendliness suddenly vanished. He took away the paper with the program he'd just drawn out, and filed it away. Isn't that a little bastardly? Like let's try to maintain the illusion that we're going to help you whether you pay for sessions or not. Apparently at this place you don't get the bait unless you bite the hook.
That wasted a good hour of my time, and by the time it was done I was so hungry that I just headed home and didn't get a chance to actually work out. The funny thing is, he acted like I'd just wasted an hour of his time. I didn't even want to do the fucking thing, I just wanted to get my membership card already.
Of course they don't care if you're pissed off or not, because they've got you by the balls with your contract. It's like the cell phone industry. Except Rogers didn't make me attend a session on the benefits of picture messaging and mobile web browsing before they let me use the phone.
I'm already a paying member of your gym. If you're going to pout because you can't sell me extras just leave me the hell alone.
Image courtesy of Xtreme Simpsons.
- Only Wesley Crusher can save me now
- Soma time
- Get laid or die trying
- La frauda
- HNT: The ever so original edition
- New York, baby!
- Bad urban behavior
- HNT: Better late than never edition
- Ignorance is bliss
- Test tube grown-up
- How about the poonanilogues?
- TV that doesn't suck: MadTV does the iRack
- Lights out, life on
- Mix of the week: Electric Sugar 3
- It slices! It dices! It...vices?
- "I wash myself with a rag on a stick"
- Shakedown at the gym
- Weighting for a boy like you
- ▼ March (20)
Stories I"m Digging
- 15 Minute Lunch
- about a boy and his briefs
- Blogging My Way To Self Importance!
- Diary Of An Addict
- Human Nature
- I must be dreaming
- in the what?
- Our Little Institution
- Planet Skybar
- Rainbow Colored Glasses
- Ready, Reset, Go!
- Rhamblings and Grahamblings
- Sarah O.
- The Adventures of Ken
- The West Village Kid
- trading faces
- What Isn't Given