The Free Thinker

A lot of my friends have been sucked into the Facebook black hole. Quite frankly, I find it merely okay. It's nice for screwing around for 10 minutes, but that's about it. Of course today it's been more interesting than normal. My Facebook inbox had a nice little note from some dude I don't know, who presumably messaged everyone in the Gay Toronto group I joined for no reason in particular. Take a look at this thing:

HOTEL PARTY REMINDER
OVER 100 FUCKIN HOT DUDES


Hey…we are having another party!!!! …this one will be at a downtown hotel….we are just finalizing the hotel and will let everyone know the hotel and location tomorrow……over 100 fuckin crazy hot horny guys…guys gone wild!!!!… The last house party was awesome, with over 40 amazing hot horny guys…this one over 100 guys…if you’re up for a fucking hot anything goes night this is IT…. We will see you at This Friday Night’s Party at 11:00 P.M.!!!!

GUYS…. BE REAL! BE 19 to 40, BE DECENT SHAPE (height/weight proportionate), BE COOL, BE FUN, BE OPEN MINDED & BE READY to bust loose & have fun...

Cool Fun hot crazy horny guys…gay, bi dudes hanging out, chilling, beers, drinks…420….and doing anything guys want to do….its up to you!

Always a good idea to bring anything you may want to drink. Have a few beers here for guys who didn’t pick anything up….

A great way to meet some real cool fun guys…get into some real hot man on man……THE HOTEL LOCATION WILL BE RIGHT IN THE DOWNTOWN CORE

We will send the hotel info, address, directions and all the details..........upon check-in on Friday around noon we will send out the actual room number or call our cell contact number for a recording with the room number….

See you on Friday for an unforgettable fucking awesome night!!!

Yeah I'm afraid I'll have to send my regrets. Blind dates are bad enough, but blind hotel orgies? Sounds like a scheme for a bunch of old overweight creeps to lure a few fit, naive youngins over, get them smashed, and pass 'em around. The relative unattractiveness of the host underscores the danger in attending such a sordid affair.

I'm extremely curious about the identity of the kind gent who's financing the hotel room though. And extremely sorry for the poor cleaning lady that will have to clean up after this thing.

This is why I reserve orgies for trusted acquaintances only.

* Just kidding, I really am more of a one-on-one guy. The ride may run frequently, but there's only seating for one.

Gossip is a standard part of any community. Inevitably as people get to know one another they start passing on rumors about each other. The Comfort Zone gay subculture is one such community, with the hardcore comprising perhaps 100 people. I guess sooner or later people were bound to start talking about me.

I'm sort of used to being in the background. I guess I've never really thought of myself as gossip-worthy, save during the big outing of 2001. Well dear readers, I've hit the gossip scene with a bang. I was chatting to someone last night when the bomb dropped.

"I heard that you're doing porn now."

Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat!? This is worse still because it came from one of the few people in Toronto whose opinion I actually care about. Let me go on the record now to state that Adam has not done porn. Boys who work full-time and do porn do not have empty bank accounts. In fact, if things were THAT dire I'd probably start selling drugs before I'd do porn. But don't worry, it won't come to that. It's sort of a which-limb-would-you-lose type of situation. Neither option is particularly appealing.

So where the hell does a rumor like this come from? I'll admit that with my hair now at visible-scalp level shortness I do have a generic, if popular look. Perhaps a case of mistaken identity? Or is someone deliberately trying to sabotage me?

The worst part is, it makes me look back at people I saw a lot of potential with whose attitudes suddenly changed and wonder if maybe they heard it too. This is the kind of rumor you just can't quash. I can't very well go around asking everyone if they heard my false porn rumor and really truly honestly it's not true and please tell everyone because it's just really embarrassing...can I? It'll just make things worse.

So essentially, I'm getting all the negative stigma of doing porn with none of the benefit$. Gay Toronto 69, Adam 5.

We already know that children can't hear the word scrotum, but did you know teenagers can't utter the word vagina?

That's right, three otherwise well-behaved high school students were suspended for reciting a few lines from The Vagina Monologues at a school event. For shame!

The school administration argues that it was an event open to the public, and there could've been children there. Oh my god, children might hear the word vagina! You know I've known the word vagina for a really long time, way back before I really knew what it entailed. Since I didn't even learn where it was until age 20, there were 14 or so years that I knew the word but couldn't find it on a...map.

And yet somehow, with this shameful word in my vocabulary, I managed avoid turning into a serial killer, rapist or pedophile.

I'm just shocked that this kind of puritanism still exists in our society. I mean, you can make a logical argument for why children shouldn't be exposed to sexuality. I'd say we usually go overboard, but the argument is there. But maintaining that the very name of their body parts shant be uttered is downright ridiculous.

Maybe the principal is sexually frustrated or something. Buy him a blow up doll and let's move on with our lives.

PS While writing this post I found the best list of vagina euphemisms ever!

I was going to post something light-hearted today, but then I found this story. Get ready for something a little...heavy:

A man who once weighed well over a half ton left his house for the first time in five years Wednesday -- wheeled outside on his bed to greet neighbors and see a mariachi band.

"The sky is beautiful and blue and what I want is to enjoy the sun," said Manuel Uribe, who had once been certified by doctors as weighing 1,235 pounds.

Though still unable to leave his bed, Uribe has lost 395 pounds since he began a high-protein diet a year ago. He now weights about 840 pounds.

To celebrate the milestone, six people pushed Uribe's wheel-equipped iron bed out to the street as a mariachi band played and a crowd gathered. Then, a forklift lifted him onto a truck and the 41-year-old rode through the streets of San Nicolas de los Garza, a Monterrey suburb.

Now, as I've written before, I have a fascination about the obesity epidemic. The great thing about this guy is that he's so freaking gigantic that I can write whatever I want about him without offending any of my readers. No matter how fat you are, blog visitors, you will never make me throw up in my mouth like dear Manuel nearly did.

I was reading the comments on the Digg story and people were posting things about genetics and all that. I'm willing to accept that we all have different body types and metabolisms, and I've got it easier than a lot of people. But you cannot use that argument to explain this freak. Quite simply, if you're eating a normal 2,000-3,000 calories a day, there's no way for this to happen. If your body could manufacture 1,000 pounds of fat out of nothing it'd be violating the laws of thermodynamics!

Just for fun, I ran this guy through a BMI calculator. For those not in the know, BMI is a rough estimate of whether you're at a healthy weight. It doesn't factor in fat vs. muscle, so it is a blunt tool at best. A healthy BMI is from 18.5-24.9. Obese is over 30. Assuming he's six feet tall, Emanuel's BMI was 167.5 at it's peak. In fact, for Emanuel to have a healthy BMI at 1,235 pounds, he'd have to be 15'7" tall!

How the hell does this happen? I mean the guy didn't leave the house. Somebody was buying groceries for him. Somebody was probably cooking for him. Why not offer to bring him nothing but fruits and vegetables? We're not talking about sticking your nose where it doesn't belong here. We're talking about a person who's eating enough to feed a grade four class. Don't you think it might be time for a little tough love?

Kudos to him for dropping all that weight. In the past year he's lost almost 400 pounds, or 2.75 Adams. But somebody should have intervened a long time ago. When your friend or family member no longer fits through the door, it might be time to give them a salad or something.

Image courtesy of WSB-TV Atlanta.

Forget the witty intro. I'll let the picture speak for itself:


Not only are these lovely Elvis busts readily available one block from my building, it's a 24 hour convenience store. It's stuff like this that makes the big Toronto move worthwhile. After all, where else can you get your jailhouse rocks off at 3 AM, along with a pack of cigarettes and some porno mags? That's right, nowhere.

Me? I'm holding out for a Gavin Rossdale bust. In my mind it will always be 1995.

One more sign of the apocalypse:

Sleep medicine experts have successfully treated a rare case of a woman having sex with strangers while sleepwalking.

The behaviour had disrupted the lives of the woman and her partner. At night while asleep, the middle-aged sleepwalker - who lives in Australia and cannot be identified for reasons of confidentiality - left her house and had sexual intercourse with strangers. The behaviour continued for several months and the woman had no memory of her nocturnal activities.

Circumstantial evidence, such as condoms found scattered around the house, alerted the couple to the problem. On one occasion, her partner awoke to find her missing, went searching for her and found her engaged in the sex act.

There are a few VERY IMPORTANT questions that come to mind:

• Who were the guys she was sleeping with?
• How did she seduce them in her sleep?
• Perhaps most importantly, did they know she was asleep?

Quite frankly the journalist's job is to anticipate the kind of questions that the reader is going to ask, and I'm very disappointed that the writer failed to include these tawdry details. I know that people who are sleepwalking can appear to be conscious and even carry on a conversation, but they don't talk about this at all. I'd really like to know more about what the hell was going on.

On a brighter note, it is encouraging that even while sleepwalking she was smart enough to use a condom! You know your safe sex campaign is successful when people practice it even when they're unconscious.

Anyways, if I had to do something in my sleep I'd take sex over eating or murdering any day. Still, it sort of takes the Coyote Ugly thing to a whole new level, doesn't it?

I'm just so awe-struck that I'll let the story speak for itself:

Minnesota high school wrestling programs were suspended Tuesday because of a widespread herpes outbreak.

The Minnesota State High School League banned competitions and direct contact between wrestlers in practice until Feb. 6 after 24 cases of herpes gladiatorum were reported by 10 teams. The virus is spread by skin-to-skin contact, and symptoms include lesions on the face, head and neck.

The suspension is meant to control the current outbreak, allow time to diagnose new cases and prevent disqualifications at the state tournament, scheduled for Feb. 28-March 3.

All I can say is wow. I mean, wrestling resembles gay sex enough as it is. Apparently it has a lot of the same risks too. Can you imagine ending up with herpes for the rest of your life because you wrestled in high school!? Try explaining that one to your future dates.

I'm always looking for new pickup lines for the club. Sure it works to just ask a guy if he's having fun or what he's on, but isn't it way more fun to ask if he gets pee shivers?

Yes it's as weird as it sounds. Apparently it's common for men to shiver every time they urinate. But even more shocking, the scientific community doesn't see fit to investigate this phenomenon. You'd think with all the grant money going to research pornography, goat sex and whatever else they could spare a few bucks to figure out what the hell this is all about.

This blogger has never noticed pee shivers himself, and while paying extra close attention during the next urination, results were inconclusive at best. Is it weird that I feel a little left out now?

Okay Engrish is one thing but this is just ridiculous. Beware if you're at work, this had me cackling at my desk like a madman for a good ten minutes. Do you have to pay extra for translation this bad?

Just now I was walking down Jarvis, and minding my own business, when a prostitute asked me if I was "looking for some company." To be fair, I was wandering the streets at 2 AM, but do I really look like a guy that needs to pay for sex...with a woman?!